I am having a moment here... I'm not sure if it's more like completing that grueling, uphill lap that you dread running, or if it's more like finally connecting that last dot or placing that last letter in the crossword, maybe something more profound, or less... but the moment is... something.
I'm drawing from a prompt or two right now in order to get the juices flowing. Tonight, I wanted to pull from a topic that was a little "easier." Nothing too deep. #32 seemed to fit the bill. This time last year, what were you writing about? Review your own blogging. So I sifted through my posts to April of last year. To be honest, there were a whopping 5 or 6 to choose from. All but one had something to do with the Monday Meet Up. It was the one year anniversary giveaway that month. The loner post, To Everything, Turn Turn Turn, caught my attention of course. So I click on it. And I fall into the deep end.
Queue the moment.
It was talking about the seasons of my heart and how I felt like my blog was about to fall into a hibernation of sorts. The tone is melancholy and tender. I find it so serendipitous that the post I was drawn to reflect upon was that particular one because now, a year later-exactly to the day (wow!), I am come full circle. I feel my "season" renewing. I feel a little spark. And I am ready to begin again...to see what will blossom.
My desire to write is a lot more gritty and raw and ambitious than it ever has been. I feel like I'm closer than ever to making my dreams into reality. A year ago, I couldn't say that. A year ago, I was struggling with my writing voice and the need to be present elsewhere. NOW... I am ready to strip away a little bit of the fluff that I used to bring to the pages of this website and instead paint a different picture of myself and my writing. I say different because I mean different. Not truer. Not more real. There was no fake me before. But there was definitely a more careful me, and a filtered me. A me that didn't dare type the words fucker or mother bitch, even though those words have always been a common part of my daily language.
I don't know if that was because I felt like this website would only be uplifting with their absence...or if I was afraid to let that part of me show online. But NOW...well, it's not that I don't care, it's that I am ready. Ready to show that flaws and grit and substance as such can and will be uplifting still and that the me that exists, no matter what season I may be going through, has something good to say.I'm not writing today to announce that there will now be cussing at Covered in Grace, but rather to relay that the new voice around here has refined itself a bit. It has weathered a little bit more. And it is ready to yell and cry and whisper and laugh.
Spiritual thinking is still a big part of my mission here... but I believe that a spiritual heart should not ever put on a front so as to appear "right" in the eyes of others. I know that my God is so much more vast than any set of rules or expectations that any religion could ever impose upon me. I am transparent to him.
And now... I am come full circle... or maybe I am spiraling upwards. I feel a beautiful new light.