It is no secret. I have dreamed of becoming a published author for many, many years. It’s easy to dream…to think up shelves and shelves of story ideas…of chapters that will fill beautiful covers, and words that will capture readers into a page-turning frenzy. It’s easy to jot them down, with great intentions. And it’s really easy to talk about these dreams…
because that’s all it is.
When I find myself brainstorming like crazy over yet another book that I would love to write, that I’m sure people would love to read, I’m usually trying to go to sleep, or am in the shower, or driving home from work. And then life throws up its usual blockades and I forget to really work toward my dream.
I do the dishes. Or I watch t.v. with the family. I’m tired. And I don’t have the drive or mindset to sit down and write. I want to, though.
Lately, I’ve found that I’m becoming annoyed with myself. I’m afraid that I might actually be a little chicken to really do what it takes to make my dreams into a reality. I’m afraid that my dreams are shrinking…and that I’m not dreaming big enough anymore.
Doubt prods at me.
What if I’m not really meant to be published?
What if my calling is somewhere else?
What if writing is just supposed be a hobby, and nothing more?
Who would really want to read what I have to say?
These thoughts push out, weigh down, squash and belittle what I’ve longed for…what I’ve dreamed of since I was a little girl.
And I think it’s totally normal for any dreamer to go through this sort of… trial…
Maybe it’s a test, if you will. But really, I believe that doubt is a form of fear.
There is a quote from Job that says: for the thing that I fear comes upon me, and what I dread befalls me.
You know… there have been a few times throughout my life when that quote has actually been my reality. I feared something, because “things were just too good to be true,” and it happened…just as I’d feared. #wtf ….Now, I realize…Job had it really bad; he went through so much. And my shrinking dreams pale in comparison. But what if there is something to that quote….
This is what I’m realizing today (lately, really)…that my doubts have been starting to tamp out the fire that has been burning since I was a little girl. They’re overshadowing the passion that I’ve felt for writing and, honestly, it’s starting to tick me off. So I’ve decided…
I’m not going to let my fears rain down anymore.
I’m not going to let my doubts ruin my plans.
I’m not going to give in to something smaller.
I’m not going to stop dreaming.
Even if that means that it takes a while…and that I never become notorious. I’m going to let my dreams grow. I’m going to let them spread their wings. I’m going to dream bigger. And I feel like this mind set, this resolve, will help me to make my dreams into realities. I remember that God really did give me this dreaming heart, and a talent to back it up.
Why deny such a beautiful gift?
When I trust in Jesus to take me on the right path…
When I trust in him to carry me through an interview…
…or put my family in the right place, the right home, the right situation…
That’s when I am facing my fears with a solid footing.
My faith brings me resolve and strength when I’d otherwise shrink and fade.
When fear sets in, on Christ the Solid Rock I stand.
Two songs come to mind right now.
Katy Perry’s Roar and Beckah Shae’s No More. Both feel like they’re kind of my theme songs right now.
“Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, your hear that sound
Like thunder, gonna shake your ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now”
“I’m sick and tired of all you’re lies
nothing you say could make me
Agree with you, I know the truth
nothing you do could break me
You just don’t know who your messing with I’m a warrior
Oh! Go! I’m telling you, no more!”